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One toe at a time

Dear friends,

I felt so moved and loved that so many of you commented on my post about Sesame. Thank you.

I miss participating on LJ. It takes time, and I'm not sure if I can do it yet, but I want to try.

The last time I was a semi-regular LJ participant was in summer 2010. That was when I became so depressed that I couldn't work or live independently anymore. I had been fighting my mental illness almost continuously since 2002, and something in me gave out. I surrendered the last piece of me of which I was proud -- my pride.

A lot has changed since then. I participated in many treatment programs. I still see a therapist once a week, and I'm still working hard to build a life that I want to live, but I believe that the worst is past. It still feels miraculous to me that I almost never want to kill myself anymore -- the thought has hardly crossed my mind twice this year, and it used to be a daily if not hourly struggle to think about something else. I have also switched careers, although I'm still in education: I am getting my certification to teach high school English. I now live in New York City, although I don't know how long I will stay. I now like myself much of the time. That still sounds weird to me, but I like it.

I'm going to start slow. I hope to make a post once a week, or once every two weeks. I plan to answer comments. However, I don't think I'm ready to start reading my friends page yet, even though I want to catch up and reciprocate. So please, if there's something new that you would like to tell me about, or if you would like me to check out a post, let me know in comments or send me an LJ message?

I am so grateful for the friends I've made here. You've helped me to weather some of the worst storms in my life. As I rebuild my life, I hope to recover this precious part of it as well.



( 30 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 4th, 2012 01:06 am (UTC)
I'm just glad to hear you're doing better these days! I was worried about you. And glad to hear you weathered Sandy!

Secondary education sounds like a pretty big change, but how exciting!
Nov. 4th, 2012 10:14 pm (UTC)
I hope you're well, too! I've missed you!

The teaching part of teaching high school is not that different -- but the culture is definitely not like college. I can see the pros and cons of each, but I prefer the job that doesn't require researching, writing, and publishing in peer review journals ;)
Nov. 4th, 2012 01:36 am (UTC)
*pounce* {{{{HUG}}}}

I am so glad to see you again, dear one. And even more glad that things are looking up for you, and that you like yourself. (We always did.)
Nov. 4th, 2012 10:23 pm (UTC)
{{{{{BIG HUG BACK}}}}}

I miss you so much! You always have the best snark/insight/comfort :D .

I hope you're well. Just took a peek at your page and saw that you greeted a couple of little Doctors on Halloween -- you made their holiday ;)
(no subject) - thisficklemob - Nov. 7th, 2012 12:16 am (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 4th, 2012 02:03 am (UTC)
*big hugs* I'm so glad you're doing better. That makes my heart very happy.

Things with me are about the same. I changed jobs, so I'm working for a non-profit public interest law firm now, trying to get quality, affordable health care for all. We just bought a house this summer, and we like being homeowners (most of the time). We're going to try to start a family. And that's about all the news that's fit to print.

*more hugs*
Nov. 4th, 2012 10:31 pm (UTC)
*hugs back tight* I think of you and Heather often and send you both mental good vibes. You two make me fantasize about moving away from the coasts someday ;) .

> I'm working for a non-profit public interest law firm now, trying to get quality, affordable health care for all.

*Is very, very happy for you and your clients* You have always been on the side of the angels, and now more than ever you are helping the helpless (sorry, couldn't resist)

Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! My sister just bought a house for the first time, and we have decided to call it her "huge happy problem." There are so many things to think about that she had never considered! But it's a wonderful step, and a wonderful way to feel at home.

You and Tyson are going to be amazing parents. You, in particular, are going to be such an outstanding mom who will be a great role model for what woman can be. (I'm just a little jealous of the lives your children will have ;) ).

Hope Miss Q is as qte as ever!
(no subject) - enigmaticblues - Nov. 5th, 2012 05:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 4th, 2012 02:07 am (UTC)
YAY for feeling better! You know we're here ALWAYS when you need anything!

<3 <3

Nov. 4th, 2012 10:33 pm (UTC)
I really believe you :) . I'm a very lucky girl :) .

Ditto, of course.

Nov. 4th, 2012 02:25 am (UTC)
I am just incredibly delighted to read this.

My girlfriend moved to New York from Oregon last October, and she and Josh and I moved to Brooklyn together in February. We're now starting to plan to add a baby to the family sometime in the next couple of years. My life is entirely upside down from where it was, and I love it.
Nov. 4th, 2012 10:35 pm (UTC)
Congratulations! I am so happy to hear about the changes in your life, too, because you sound happy.

One way or another we make our ways, don't we?
Nov. 4th, 2012 04:38 am (UTC)

I've returned to grad school in Wyoming of all places! I'm working on my PhD in Physics and Astronomy, and my advisor is famous for being one of the top researchers in Astronomy Education Research (AER). If you're up for travel next summer, I'd love to have visitors. T$ and I are doing the long distance thing, and he's visiting this week.
Nov. 5th, 2012 01:55 am (UTC)
Good for you!

I'd love to visit, but I won't be up for making summer plans until late Spring this year. I hope T$ and you are having a great time (as I'm sure you are)!
(no subject) - zandperl - Nov. 5th, 2012 02:38 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - framefolly - Nov. 6th, 2012 06:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 5th, 2012 01:57 am (UTC)
{{{hugs back}}}

Btw, Ignacio and I have reached S6 in our BtVS viewing! After this time, I gotta say that my impression of S5 has improved. I now see it as a very strong season.

I'm kind of afraid of S6, though. I don't want to feel disappointed...
Nov. 4th, 2012 02:59 pm (UTC)
It is so good to see you and to know that life is improving.

My life? I get a little older, I creak a little more, I still look after the children at church, still write Tolkien related fanfic (with a hint of Buffyverse in the background). S2C is in pretty good health, but his eyesight is giving cause for concern, which frightens him, of course. Our daughter is now back on the island as a trainee in an international law firm and is happy with life... and, sadly, Shaka died about a year ago.
Nov. 6th, 2012 07:04 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad to be back in touch, too! Reading your posts always gave me a sense of calm and wonder, whether it was about your life, your stories, or whatever was on your mind. Your writing helps me to restore perspective.

We use our eyes so much. I'm sorry that S2C is concerned about his sight. I'm sending positive thoughts his way. Your recent post about your daughter's "flood of tears" stage made me both smile and wince in sympathy -- I'm sending positive thoughts her way, too!

Dear Shaka. What a beauty. You must miss him.
(no subject) - curiouswombat - Nov. 7th, 2012 09:36 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - framefolly - Nov. 8th, 2012 01:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 4th, 2012 05:40 pm (UTC)
So glad you've climbed out the other side!

Much the same here. Florida sucks, my students are funny and my cats are awesome.

Nov. 6th, 2012 07:08 pm (UTC)
"Climbed out the other side" might be too bright a spin on the situation ;) . I sort of can't believe that after having had 9 years of solid college classroom experience NYS is making me take four semesters of classes and student teach for a year before they'll certify me to teach high school. I know they're quite different, but the kind of differences I need to learn about are not the ones I'm being taught in the certification program and as a student teacher. Nonetheless there is such great relief that I don't have to finish that bleeping dissertation if I don't want to! And teaching is, unmistakably, my vocation :) . I know you know what I mean ;) .

Ah -- funny students and awesome cats. What more can we ask from life?

PS: Sometimes when I felt really bad I would go to your YT channel and watch your awesome cats. I probably owe you some therapy bills. Thank you :)
Nov. 5th, 2012 03:10 am (UTC)
Love you, always. That is all. :)
Nov. 6th, 2012 07:09 pm (UTC)
*is happy* :)

Love you, too.
Nov. 5th, 2012 10:13 pm (UTC)
It's so lovely to hear from you and to know that you are well. I have thought about you often. Relinquishing your pride and rebuilding your life like you've done, well, I consider it very brave. Your strength is inspiring. *hugs*

As for me, I have a man in my life these days. We've been dating since late 2010. I hope to marry him if he ever gets around to asking. Other than that, life is very much the same. Same living situation, same roommate, same job.

Nov. 6th, 2012 07:16 pm (UTC)
*hugs back*

Sometimes I still feel frightened because I'm not back on solid ground, career-wise. I worry that I might never regain financial independence or feel secure about my choices. The recent past is still vivid in my mind, though, so I also feel good about where I am.

I am so glad to hear about the man in your life! Dish, girl! What do you love most about him? I'll skim your posts to find out more :) .
Nov. 7th, 2012 02:03 am (UTC)
Much hugging! I'm glad you're doing better. It's always good to hear from you when you have time and energy.
Nov. 8th, 2012 01:09 pm (UTC)
Hug hug! It's always good to hear from you, too :)

Savoring the memoir by the Blogess. It's pretty soothing bed time reading!
May. 25th, 2013 11:21 pm (UTC)
I'm sooo happy to read that you're doing much better! Depression is the worst, but we can get through it. :-)
( 30 comments — Leave a comment )