November 3rd, 2012


One toe at a time

Dear friends,

I felt so moved and loved that so many of you commented on my post about Sesame. Thank you.

I miss participating on LJ. It takes time, and I'm not sure if I can do it yet, but I want to try.

The last time I was a semi-regular LJ participant was in summer 2010. That was when I became so depressed that I couldn't work or live independently anymore. I had been fighting my mental illness almost continuously since 2002, and something in me gave out. I surrendered the last piece of me of which I was proud -- my pride.

A lot has changed since then. I participated in many treatment programs. I still see a therapist once a week, and I'm still working hard to build a life that I want to live, but I believe that the worst is past. It still feels miraculous to me that I almost never want to kill myself anymore -- the thought has hardly crossed my mind twice this year, and it used to be a daily if not hourly struggle to think about something else. I have also switched careers, although I'm still in education: I am getting my certification to teach high school English. I now live in New York City, although I don't know how long I will stay. I now like myself much of the time. That still sounds weird to me, but I like it.

I'm going to start slow. I hope to make a post once a week, or once every two weeks. I plan to answer comments. However, I don't think I'm ready to start reading my friends page yet, even though I want to catch up and reciprocate. So please, if there's something new that you would like to tell me about, or if you would like me to check out a post, let me know in comments or send me an LJ message?

I am so grateful for the friends I've made here. You've helped me to weather some of the worst storms in my life. As I rebuild my life, I hope to recover this precious part of it as well.